Clueless
I hate your shirt. Your fake, white vintage t-shirt. The giant pink letters are obnoxious. You love it because it’s loud. Attention seeking loud. Loud with huge pink letters screaming “Love never fades”. Shut up. Shut up shirt. Shut the hell up. And you, the person wearing that shirt, have you been in love? Have you ever loved anyone? Go, fall in love. Share yourself with another person. Then fall out and tell me you’re still going to wear that stupid fucking shirt. You have no idea what you’re talking about, what your shirt is talking about. Love fades dumbass. Especially at your age: it fades all the time. And when it does, someone suffers. They physically and emotionally suffer. You’re shirt is a lie. A too tight lie. Your tight lie cost you fifty bucks. Your fifty dollar lie is lying to you. And me. I hate liars. I hate your lying shirt. I hate it.
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Fade Out
Fade in. Look at him. Like. Look into his beautiful green eyes. Like. His mouth fits mine. Perfection. Like. Lust. His body. Like. He makes me laugh until my sides split open. Like. Love. I wear his sweater. He wears my socks. Like. Love. He dances with me. Love. He makes my bed. Love. He sleeps. Comfortably. I think. He loves to cook. His bare chest is my pillow. Think. Lose sleep. Loves me. Think. Lose sleep. Tears. He loves me. Think. Talk. Cry. He loves me. Think. Wonder. Cry. Talk. Cry. He thinks. Question. My love. Think. Effort. Try. Try harder. Not enough. He loves me. Think. I love him. Think. I. Think. I. Love. Him. Question. He thinks. Not. His fault. Not him. Not his fault. Fade out.
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ReplyDeleteI found too many mistakes in my previous comment, so here it is again:
ReplyDeleteClueless: You have done a really good job at getting across a sentiment of pain and anger. The short sentences and word groupings are well used, as is the repetition. The themes flow, from loud-love-fading-suffering-lying. You bring the reader across the chasm with you through a mangle of twisted thoughts. I like it! As a suggestion, I would look at what your title brings to your post: does it catch the attention and set up the piece, set up for the twist, foreshadow? A good title should fall into place after you have read the entry, and somehow make the reader nod with how it is part of the presentation. “Hey, you, wearing that t-shirt”; “T-Shirt of lies”; or even just “The T-Shirt” would signal the theme or purpose of your writing.
Fade Out: As I go through this post, I am following your words, and I get the flow. From the like, to a sense of love, to thinking, to not: I like the transition, which is mirrored in the "fade in-fade out"; but I get lost at times in the middle. In the middle, you write “he loves to cook” which stands out in the middle of the relationship part. The other actions described are laughing, wearing, dancing, sleeping. These are very much couple related words, and the cooking stops the flow of the relationship (unless it was supposed to), especially placed in the middle of sleeping and pillow parts of your piece. Later, you use the periods for single words such as “Think. I. Think. I. Love. Him. Question. He thinks. Not.” I get a message, but it might be clearer by adding short sentences as in the beginning.
I am not sure if you meant for these two posts to be read together. I sense they are about a common event, but they may be more effective if they were separate posts. One is about your anger and disappointment; the other about a glimpse into a relationship. Unless there were words, a theme, juxtaposition or pairing that joined them, they would probably have more impact each on its own.
Your writing is very moving and raw with emotion; I commend you for being able to get it on paper in this way. Until next, Yuk-Sem
Directing your anger towards the T-shirt tells me your emotions are at the forefront and on the top of your mind. Including the trigger makes the post much more effective than it would have been without the T-shirt. Through your frustration with the T-shirt wearer, your story is made clear. We know that you have been in love, that it faded, that it hurt. We know from your tone that the pain is lasting and you resent others who do not know it or understand it.
ReplyDeleteYour words are well-chosen and the emotions authentic. The pace, established with the short sentences and bursts of thoughts, is great. Because the first part of the post, the “Clueless” entry, captures the past and present so well, it makes the second part, “Fade Out” redundant. I understand the link, but think it’s unnecessary. Perhaps the “Fade Out” title could have been applied to just the first part and the second part eliminated.
Having said that, the second part could be an altogether separate post. It has an enjoyable style all its own. The use of periods, especially at the end, made me feel like there was reluctance and hesitation in the end of the relationship. This is a great example of telling what could have been a drawn-out tale with dialogue and description in a style that is more hitting and raw. I like it – this boiled-down version whisks me along with you through the infatuation to the rejection without giving me the details I don’t need.
I had intended on having them be read separately. I know they are connected in theme but I didn't want them to be connected in reading. Whatever way they sound the best, read them so! Thanks for your suggestions ladies!
ReplyDeleteWow. I loved how these were not only quick reads, but also powerful ones.
ReplyDeleteFor CLUELESS I enjoyed the pure hatred you put into writing this one. I too dislike very strongly, super loud clothing when people are trying to get attention. Even though you didn't want them to be read together, I beieve that they work well. It is two seperate idea's which seem to go together well. With love often comes hatred and sometimes vice-versa. Well done.
For the second post. I can totally relate to this one. Love is a rollercoaster and a lot of the times it really sucks and you often question your own feelings but then you may realize its all worth it and you really do love him. I agree with Yuk-Sem about possibly having shorter sentences at the end, but overall I really enjoyed both of these posts.